Linked traits and spontaneity

If I offer you a slice of apple pie, and you like apples but you hate pie crust, do you accept?

Sure, you can pick apart the apples from the crust, but it makes you look rude and picky. Some people would go ahead and do this, but I think most would decline the apple pie entirely.

In my opinion, the same is true for personalities. I have a theory, we’ll call it the Linked Trait Theory (LTT), where having certain character traits implies a high likelihood of other character traits. There’s a whole school of thought on character traits in psychology, and I’m sure something has been studied in relation to my LTT, but my nominal search didn’t immediately turn anything up (chime in if you know something though).

When thinking about LTT, I’m not talking about something as simple as synonyms: the guy who is nice is also considered to be kind. Instead, the focus of LTT is what kind of distinct personality traits are likely to arise from a person’s characteristics. For example, if someone is a good listener then my instinct is to assume that that person is also nice. Are there good listeners who are mean? Absolutely, and there are also nice people who are bad listeners. My point is that given someone is a good listener, I think the relative odds are in favor of that person being nice over mean. Obviously, some traits would be more indicative than others. Treating strangers well is highly indicative that a person is nice, while treating you well on the first date suggest a person could be nice, but he might also just be good at the first date game (yes, he can also be good at the being polite to strangers game, but I think that is less common, hence the strength of the indication).

In my mind, there is an extremely complex web-mapping that exists with every trait, and the corresponding indicative strength. Here is an example of the partial chart (Technically, every trait links to every single other trait on the map, but there isn’t enough room to clearly show that, so only self-discipline and fairness are mapped. The number on the line indicates the % chance I think you have of having both character traits. For instance, if someone has a high level of self-discipline, I am postulating a 90% chance that he has a high level of perseverance. All numbers are completely fabricated and would be much, much lower if I ever ran a real-life study on this. Character traits and definitions pulled from here):

Alright, maybe you accept my crazy theory. Who cares?

Well you should definitely care. Presumably, you have some idea of what you’re looking for in a relationship. Thinking about linked traits can give you a much more honest expectation of what to find, or how likely you are to find it. The easiest example is the age-old complaint of “Where are all the nice guys?” The response by men is often “they are the ones who you friendzoned.” Perhaps. Should it come as a big surprise that men living the rock-star lifestyle turn out to cheat more often than the average guy? Should it come as a big surprise you can’t find a nice guy that you like when one of the things you value most in a relationship is a mysterious guy with an air of danger about him? Sure, there are nice rock-stars and nice, dangerous guys, but what do you think your odds are here? You can either readjust your desires or you can understand that finding something that fits every single one of your requirements is like trying to find a diamond in the rough. Either is fine, just so long as you are aware.

It’s time for a confession – I have a pet peeve: I am always annoyed when a girl tells me that she wants to find a guy that is spontaneous. From what I understand, and correct me if I’m wrong, women want a spontaneous guy because he will ask her out to dinner on a Tuesday night just because “he was missing her all day.” Women want a spontaneous guy who will say “Hey, let’s shake things up and go to a salsa club this weekend.” or “Why don’t we visit Antarctica?” I can see the romance in these things, I definitely do. However, the most spontaneous people have linked traits, traits that I think most women really hate.

For instance, women like to date a man who has his life together. You know what kind of people tend to be disorganized and scatter-brained? Spontaneous folk. Women like a man that remembers to keep dates. A casually planned date may be forgotten by the spontaneous guy because his friends wanted to go water skiing and he was just “having so much fun he forgot what time it was.” Who do you think is more likely to cheat? The spontaneous guy or the non-spontaneous guy?

Obviously, spontaneity by itself seems like a desirable trait, and I’m not arguing that someone should be entirely un-spontaneous. My argument is simply that when you ask for something, be aware that other things come along with it. When you eat your apple pie, you can pick the apples out. When you date someone, it’s pretty much impossible to disentangle the things you like from the things you dislike. It’s one package. Just be aware of that.

Best of luck finding someone who is the perfect combination of quirks and traits for you.

Regards,

Algernon